Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
