I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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