I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
