I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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