I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dear god my vagina.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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