McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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