It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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