i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
