I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
