dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
