You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
