Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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