My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
