I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
