we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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