Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
