but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
