I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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