I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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