dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
worst night to have a conscience
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
