Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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