this boner is exhausting
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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