I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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