Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
