Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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