I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
