I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
