If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
