apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
