i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
