well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
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He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
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I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
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