New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
