I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
