Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
