he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
