I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He called his prostate his "boner button".
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I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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