So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
