my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
