You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
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I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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