and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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