My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hippo gnu deer
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
