i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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