I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.