Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?