Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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