Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
