You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
