totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
