Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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