I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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