the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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