you traded sex for a burrito?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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