as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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