I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
