She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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