i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
