I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
